bad karma, all around

i don't know why things always turn out this way:

i've been driving for ten years. i know, i know. i started when i was 12, on the dirt roads of rural south dakota. i have a perfect record. i've never hit anything or anyone, no tickets, nothing. i haven't even been pulled over...except that one time, but that doesn't really count since i was already stopped because i couldn't get any further up the sand dune with that many people in the back...but that's another story.

so my fam thinks they can disappear from my life for three years, then return with all kinds of driving advice. like they really learned anything about driving in Guatemala, of all places! after a particularly bad afternoon drive with "the critics" i decided to just completely ignore them and everything they said. then, while driving at a good clip along the home stretch, an animal appeared suddenly in the middle of the street. it was in the right lane, so since i was already halfway in the left lane i swerved left. just then the damn critter flew into the air, promptly colliding with my windshield. "Colliding" would be an understatement, yup, definitely an understatement. it was a bleeping PHEASANT!!! what the hell was a pheasant doing in northwestern oregon anyways?! he doesn't belong here!!! go home, blasted bird! well, it's a lil late for that particular specimen of poultry, but seriously.

so the fam freaks the F out. if we weren't so close to home, we'd have needed to stop so they could change their pants. chris just got real pale, and shut up (for once). THEN my dad improves the situation by insisting (he was 100% serious) that we ought to stop and scrounge around the ditch in the dusk for the carcass! because after adding two good sized cracks to the windshield, the thing would be edible! and we all were definitely in the mood to gut, pluck, and butcher an animal after all that (sarcasm, sarcasm). good times. now they'll never believe that i'm a good driver. 'Cuz i am! i am!! there's nothing wrong with speed and greed. just buckle up, shut up, and don't throw up.