pregnancy myths

i just talked to the SEVENTH woman i know who is expecting in october. rather unbelievable, especially considering that one of the women was infertile for almost 8 years (and just adopted a baby 4 months ago), another for three years, another woman has had as many miscarriages as she has living children, another has had twice as many as living children, and this woman nearly lost her only other child to a brain disease that affects just 5 in a million children. wow, i guess i make it look easy.

anyways, while the experience is still fresh in my mind, i thought i'd share some lovely tidbits.

myth #1: you'll get morning sickness no matter what.
tiredness may not be avoidable, but the effects of morning sickness can be reduced. there's a theory that morning sickness is actually detoxification. after a year of observing others habits and symptoms, i think i agree. it does, indeed, seem that the more preservatives, pesticides, and stimulants one consumes (or has consumed in the months preceding pregnancy), the more toxins their body needs to expel...in the oh-so-lovely ways that nature has provided.

myth #2: cocoa butter prevents stretch marks.
every conversation i have on this topic includes a) a statement that IT DOES work, b) a proposal that the individual would have had MANY MORE stretch marks, had they not used cocoa butter, and c) an exhibition of HOW FEW stretch marks they do have, thanks to cocoa butter. i would like to propose an alternate theory: cocoa butter CAUSES stretch marks. so there. my scientific basis for this theory? everyone i know used cocoa butter and got stretch marks, while i avoided cocoa butter for 9 months and...drumroll...NO stretch marks. QED.

myth #3: nine months up and 9 months down.
this refers to the idea that it takes you 9 months to get up to your full-term weight, so you expect it to take 9 months to return to your "normal" weight. i guess this is more true in subsequent pregnancies, but--never fear--for 1st pregnancies it can be just "two weeks down." this does not mean, however that your normal jeans will fit after 14 days. you will have what wavelet has dubbed "the pouch" until at least the 2nd month. also, your hips take their sweet time moving back into place... or kinda-sorta-close-to their old place.

myth #4: you have to watch what eat so that you only consume an extra 500 calories a day. oh, and continue to exercise daily.
ok, so i can't drink, i can't run because my hips are too wobbly, i can't drive b/c my pregnancy brain doesn't allow me to perform functions more complicated than tying my own shoes, i can't go on any vacation that involves an airplane, i don't fit into my favorite jeans, my love life is forever altered, and now you're telling me that i can only console myself with an extra apple and cup of yogurt a day--after swimming laps for 30 minutes?!?! screw that! i assure you that i ate WHATEVER i so desired (whether that was carrot sticks or a bag of Cheetos... yes, the whole bag) and stayed within the recommended weight gain bracket. carpe diem.

myth #5: perfect strangers will have their hands all over you.
i don't know where these people live, but i never had my belly fondled by fellow supermarket shoppers, or anyone else for that matter. most people ignored it, a small percentage would inquire about the sex (of the baby, *snort*) and the name, and a few just congratulated us.

pluses:
shopping for cute baby things
positive attention from every female you encounter for 9 months
the linea negra--cool, unique, less permanent than a tattoo
playing little games with the "inside" baby
eating as much as you want, whenever
they make tie-dye maternity shirts, score!
hello, you get a sweet, innocent, perfect baby at the end

minuses:
not as many as i expected
couldn't be in the same room as broccoli or cabbage for 9months (c'mon is that really a minus?)
tired, tired, tired, all the time
pregnancy brain... worse than buzzed-after-2-all-nighters brain. much worse. like, "phone number? what's that?"
worrying that my occasional half-glass of wine would cause us to have a deformed baby
cankles (but only for the last couple weeks)
the baby always has to hiccup ON your bladder
having to use the toilet in the night... again,andagain,andagain,andagain. and again.

disclaimer: every one's pregnancies are different, and i hear that subsequent pregnancies each vary from one another. so take my "wisdom" with a grain of salt, no matter how authoritative i may sound, because next time i might put on 50 lbs and have stretch marks from my knees to my neck.